Saturday, June 25, 2011
Remembering
After just over a year of being in a relationship I've once again become single. My initial feelings were sadness and anger, just like they always are when a serious thing reaches an end, but those feelings changed faster than I thought possible. Even for me. It didn't take long before the separation felt somehow less of a loss than a gain.
First day alone and I began to remember stuff. This is probably some weird stuff to forget in the first place but you'd be amazed how easy it was.
People want me. It took literally hours before old acquaintances began texting me. Sure, this used to happen when I was still dating as well, but then I'd just ignore them, thinking nothing of it. Or politely decline if they were hot ;). This was the first thing I remembered.
I'm beautiful. And that comes with advantages. This was the second thing I remembered. And probably one of the first things I forgot as well. My now ex-girlfriend wasn't exactly Jessica Alba, but she was nice and I loved her. But being with the same person for too long destroys my self-esteem. I don't think this has so much to do with the person I'm with as much as it has to do with the fact that from the very moment I enter a relationship, all outside feedback about my appearance is cut off. And I'm a narcissist. I need that shit like junkies need heroin. The rush you get when you know you're beautiful and others agree. Unimaginable. It's like I said to a girl whom I just met who asked me "How do you pick up girls?" A question I've gotten many times before. So I told her the truth: "I just introduce myself with a hello and let my looks do the rest". It really is that simple. This leads me to my third thing.
That sensation of the "first moment". That incredibly wonderful feeling you get when you do something with someone for the first time. I enjoy this feeling so much that I’ve blogged about it before. It's like a drug. It's the feeling you get the first time you hit it off with someone new, it's the feeling you get when you hold your arms around someone for the first time, it's the feeling you get right before the kiss, right when you look into each other’s eyes. Breathing rapidly. You can feel her breath on you just before she closes her eyes and lean forward, ever so slightly, just so that your lips meet. That feeling is like the touch of God.
That’s the feeling of freedom. And I remember it.
